Here’s a fairly common holiday-themed query, with a variation on the details due to COVID. This came from a concerned son living in Texas with family in the Northeast:
I don’t want to go to my parents’ home for Thanksgiving (you can insert any holiday here). The reasons are obvious to me but never to them. It’s always stressful getting there and being with them is usually more emotionally draining than uplifting or festive. Again this year they have invited other relatives; several of them have often been critical of me in the past. Enough of these people who will be at the dinner are not careful about catching COVID. Even though my parents, who are seniors, got the Pfizer shots they continue to socialize and live as if there are no real risks to themselves or to me. Over the last several months they have been pressuring me to come visit, even before I was fully vaccinated. I would be willing to make the trip – driving instead of flying – despite my reservations, if they wouldn’t put me at risk with their guest list. Now that data shows these shots have diminishing protection, can I make it known I have no intention of seeing them for the holiday unless they not host the dinner?
G: Whether or not your parents have a greater risk tolerance than you, or are simply ignorant of the evolving science with this coronavirus, your first obligation is to your own health.
You can communicate this to your parents without presenting an ultimatum. Instead offer options for them to consider.
Set it up by expressing your desire to remain optimally healthy, explaining that this also means you are able to assist them should they take ill at some point with whatever ailment may develop as they age. Consider offering to make the trip, perhaps a day or two ahead if your schedule is flexible, spending time with them before the actual Thanksgiving crowd arrives.
It is not wise to demand they don’t host a dinner, as they get to control their choices as do you. It’s best not to get into any discussion about why you don’t enjoy some who are invited, or why visiting is a buzz-kill time for you. You are under no moral duty to be seated at any table, holiday or otherwise, with people who are unkind to you.
Then listen with your heart as your parents express their disappointment, but do not cave to any pressure that weakens your resolve to have a safe and happy holiday celebration – with or without them. If the past months have proven anything to those who are paying attention, now is the time to be thankful we have people who truly desire our company and who want what is best for us. Sometimes we have to spell it out for them even when we wish we did not have to do that.
In order to enrich our relationships, we have to be willing to do the work of speaking our truth with kindness, and become comfortable with life’s reality that we often co-create disappointments when the truth is told. Let the small stuff not become what we sweat over. This applies for anyone who is fretting over serving a dry turkey.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info go to www.gisellemassi.com.